Do You Really Want to Save Your Marriage?

Do you really want to save your marriage?

If you read that and said yes or no, the follow up question is “Are you doing everything you can do to make that happen?”. Notice this isn’t “Is my spouse doing everything they can to make that happen”, it’s “are YOU doing everything you can?”. 

This blog is for the couples who have drifted apart and are no longer on the same team. One of the comforting and amazing benefits of marriage is having a partner. You’re able to cheer each other on, address your concerns without taking them personally, and build a life together where your similarities and differences are valued. When this isn’t happening, couples begin to shift into protection mode, meaning, you start to go your separate ways and fend for yourselves in an effort to protect yourself from being hurt. 

Now, I'd like to make a caveat here about protection mode. There are situations where you may experience emotional, mental, or physical abuse. In these situations it's important that you seek help immediately either from a therapist, medical professional, or trusted family member/friend. For the purpose of this blog, I'm referring to "protection mode" as a subsconscious emotional state when we distance ourself from our spouse because our feelings have been hurt or we feel misunderstood/flooded with emotions.

Steps to take if you notice you’re in protection mode:

1. Reflect on how you arrived here. What events, situations, patterns, and behaviors contributed to the current state of the marriage? 

2. Assess your feelings about the current state of the marriage. What feelings and emotions have you had or do you have currently about the marriage?

3. This next step is crucial: ask yourself, what role have I played in the current state of our marriage? What things have I said, done/not done, thought about the marriage that has created distance between me and my spouse?

4. Ask yourself, “What do I want to do about it?”. 

This is where some of you might say, “nothing, I’m done, and I’m over it”. Okay, that still requires an action of some kind. There still needs to be communication between you and your spouse about being done in the relationship and what this looks like/means. 

Those of you who decide “I want to work on the marriage together” or “I want to work on myself in order to be more consistent in the marriage” or any number of responses that indicate wanting to remain in the relationship, the same action is required. You will need to decide what that looks like and what that means. 

Many couples tell me that saving their marriage means, "she stops doing x" and "he stops doing y". However, when you point a finger at someone else, you’re no longer taking accountability for yourself. One of the most impactful and effective things you can do in your marriage is take accountability for yourself and your actions. Why? Because this not only increases your personal integrity and view of self but it also increases trust and security with your spouse. It immediately decreases defensiveness and reduces blame shifting which are two things that will keep you disconnected from each other. 

It is important that both people learn to take accountability for their actions AND seek to understand the why behind their spouses thoughts/behaviors/emotions rather than pass judgement. You are responsible for yourself just as your spouse is responsible for his/herself. Once you have an awareness of how your actions impact the marriage, then both of you can discuss plans for what working on these things look like. 

For example, if one of you feels you’re not getting enough quality time and the other feels like they have no extra time to give, you first want to listen to each other’s position, feelings, and thoughts. Don’t launch in with “I’ve given you so much time that now I have no time for myself because you’re so needy”. Allow space for discussing the importance of spending time together and what this looks like currently in the relationship. Discuss any barriers to quality time (i.e. schedules, kids, fatigue, stress, etc.), and work TOGETHER on a compromise. Here is an example of what this could sound like: 

Spouse 1: I feel like we haven’t had much time together for the past few months. 

Spouse 2: Oh really? Does it feel like less than usual? 

Spouse 1: Yea, I don’t feel like we do any dates or have time just the two of us as often. 

Spouse 2: What do you think has changed/gotten in the way of spending time together? 

Spouse 1: I feel like we’re always working or doing something for the kids. 

Spouse 2: I can see that. We do have busy schedules. What would you like to do more of? 

Spouse 1: I don’t know. I’m not good at coming up with ideas. I feel like I just want to have more alone time just the two of us.

Spouse 2: Okay, let's take some time to look at our current day to day schedule and see how we could be more intentional with planning time for the two of us, and if there isn’t time available, maybe we need to cut some things out. 

In this example, you might be able to detect that Spouse 1 knows they want more quality time but isn’t exactly sure what they can do or how they want to engage in quality time. Spouse 2 presents as the curious listener. Rather than shifting into “well give me some options, or why don’t you just initiate something?”, they remain patient and curious with their spouse while inviting an opportunity to connect more through taking a look at the schedule and making a plan from there. 

Remember, you don’t have to solve every problem in one day or even one year. This is not going to be easy, and it takes time to rebuild connection. To have a connected marriage, you have to be able to see and appreciate the value in the other person's perspective. They are giving you all of the answers, and you get to choose whether or not you cultivate growth and understanding through curiosity or distance and defensiveness. If you want to save your marriage, it can start with you.