Feedback is Just Feedback: How to stop taking things personally

Have you ever been in an interview and been asked a variation of this question “tell us about a time when you received negative feedback and how you handled it”? While I understand the possible value of this question, I believe that such questions are contributing to a societal view that feedback is 'bad' or 'good' rather than constructive or unconstructive. As a society, we have developed this belief about feedback to have a positive or negative connotation when really the goal of feedback is to receive a constructive note or constructive information about a specific topic or desired outcome. We’ve turned feedback into a personal representation of us rather than a representation of an external need, behavior, or outcome that is necessary for progress or completion of a specific task. 

Negative and positive are subjective words that can be helpful in building self-awareness during self-assessment; however, when we perceive feedback in this way, it can often lead to unnecessary personalization. Today's blog aims to provide insight for those who may struggle with personalizing feedback they receive from others such as a boss, spouse, or friends. If you have previously viewed feedback as positive or negative, I’d like to challenging you to think about feedback in a new way. Instead of going with the societal view of good and bad, try thinking about feedback as constructive or unconstructive. 

Constructive feedback is clear, direct, and provides tangible examples of specific actions, behaviors, or method that will improve the quality of a given outcome. Unconstructive feedback lacks tangible examples and information on how to improve or achieve more favorable outcomes for a specific situation or task.

Unconstructive Feedback Example: 

• You are late to work and your  boss says to you: “You are being insubordinate and can get fired for this if you don’t get it together.”

Constructive Feedback Example: 

• You are late to work and your boss says to you: “Our policy is that our employees show up to work on time at 8:00a.m. If you show up after 8:00a.m. again, you will be fired.”

The first example is unconstructive because it’s not specific about the insubordination. Additionally, the phrase “get it together” doesn’t provide context to what “it” is and leaves the door open for interpretation/assumptions. The second example gives specific details regarding the policy and how the policy is not being met by the employee. It also clearly states that if the employee shows up after 8:00a.m. again, they will be fired. It’s clear about the facts and behavior that needs to be changed without getting personal. 

Now if you want to add an additional level to this, you can look at ways to combine both subjectivity and objectivity within feedback in order to achieve both relational and professional growth. There are ways to include perceptions and feelings within constructive feedback; however, sometimes in professional settings, the relational piece is not as necessary or appropriate. Let’s look again at the same examples from before this time with an added, personal, element. 

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Unconstructive Feedback Example with Personalization: 

• You are being insubordinate and can get fired for this if you don’t get it together. Someone like you is lucky to even have this job. 

Constructive Feedback Example with Relational Support: 

• Our policy is that our employees show up to work on time at 8:00a.m. If you show up after 8:00a.m. again, you will be fired. Is this something you are still able to commit to, and is there anything that is contributing to this issue that we need to be aware of? 

This first example resorts to criticism and contempt (putting someone else beneath you/labeling them as undeserving) which is often a manipulation tactic to instill fear or concern in an effort to promote a desired outcome. It points the finger and resorts to attacking character rather than clearly stating the expectation/problem. It might reap a short term result, but it will not maintain a long-lasting change. In these scenarios, an individual will often have the initial feeling of fear, perform better, and then fall back into the same pattern as before due to lack of intrinsic motivation and increased resentment.

The second example highlights the agreed upon expectation (the policy), how the expectation is not being met, and the outcome if the expectation continues not to be met. It is very clear without attacking character. Additionally, it asks for feedback from the identified party to better understand why this behavior is occurring and if they can still commit to this. It places the choice on the identified party which helps build intrinsic motivation and self-awareness on whether or not this position/expectation is still a priority for them rather than pressuring them with threats and manipulation tactics. The benefit here is the clarity and opportunity for greater understanding which promotes stability within the working relationship. 

The same is true for other relationships whether that be a spouse, a child, friend, or family member. A lot of us have probably experienced situations where we receive feedback that is full of criticism or contempt at some point in our lives. Maybe you’ve been hurt by the words that were said in those moments and find it hard to move past what was said about you. Remember that true feedback is going to be objective/constructive with specific actions, behaviors, or methods that will improve the quality of a given outcome. Anything outside of this is going to be perceptions, feelings, or subjective data that may or may not be directly related to the current situation. 

We all have days where we say something too quickly, or lash out at someone when we're actually stressed about something else that happened earlier in the day. It's important to recognize this and remind yourself that if it feels personal, it's probably more about them than it is about you. In these moments, it’s best to reflect on what you are experiencing and remind yourself that feedback is just feedback.