Have you ever found yourself in the middle of a heated discussion with a significant other, only to realize later that one question could have changed the whole direction of the conversation? Chances are, a judgment was made and this judgment channeled a series of other judgments that led to an evening spent in separate rooms. Choosing a spirit of curiosity over judgment in your relationships is one of the key ways to not only build connection but to maintain connection. When we choose curiosity, we are providing space for understanding and building trust in each other.
The Impact of Judgement in Conversations:
Think about the last time you responded to someone with a judgment or an assumption. How did that impact the tone or direction of the conversation? Usually, when we respond with judgment or an assumption, the tone shifts in a way that increases the likelihood of defensiveness. A great upcoming example for this would be scheduling for the holidays.
Let’s say that the tradition has always been to go to one side of the family’s house on one day and the other side of the family’s house on another day which leaves your family Thanksgiving/Christmas to whatever days are left. This year when the topic comes up with your spouse, they say, “I think I’d like to have Thanksgiving/Christmas on our own this year”. To you, this is extreme, so you jump in with, “Why do you want to do that? Do you not like my family? What if our family is upset by that, we can’t be the only ones that don’t go”. The conversation has now shifted from impersonal to personal as your spouse not only begins to see your questions as a judgment on their wants/needs but also sees your questions as defending your family or your own wants/needs over theirs.
But what would happen if you approached the same subject with curiosity? When your spouse says, “I think I’d like to have Thanksgiving/Christmas on our own this year”, and you reply with “That’s an interesting thought, what did you have in mind?” or “Is there any particular reason you’re wanting to change things?”. Now we’ve created an open dialogue that encourages understanding and has room for compromise. Gathering information first and leaving room for compromise can lead to a conversation where both people feel heard and respected rather than judged, misunderstood, and shut down.
The Power of Curiosity
A spirit of curiosity also helps you maintain a sense of stability during moments of uncertainty. It creates space for a pause and a reflection rather than an immediate reaction. Judgements are often your first thought/reaction to an action/comment/situation. Our gut reactions can often get us into fight or flight mode rather quickly. In some instances, this is helpful and productive. If a car pulls out in front of me, I need to respond quickly and hit the brakes in order to keep myself safe. When my spouse tells me they are going to be home late again, and my gut reaction is to call them names or give them the silent treatment,
So how do we practice building a spirit of curiosity in our relationships? It can often be hard for us to separate the judgment we need for day to day environmental situations because we can often have the same emotions associated with both things. Going back to the car example, we slam on the brakes out of fear. This type of fear protects us from harm/danger/and saves our lives. When our spouse texts us they are going to be home late again, this can also produce a feeling of fear, insecurity, and disappointment. While it’s not a life or death fear, it lights up the same area of our brain and is often what triggers us into reactive responses like name calling, the silent treatment, fill in the blank. So if we continue with the staying late at work example, here are some strategies for practicing curiosity.
Building Self-Awareness–Recognize your emotions before you respond.
You can build self-awareness individually and in your relationship
As an individual exercise, you want to be curious about your own emotions and feelings so that you can express them. For example: “I’m sad I won’t get to see you for dinner, but thanks for letting me know. Looking forward to seeing you tonight!”
You can also encourage self-awareness in your significant other by inviting a conversation later, “Hey, I’ve noticed you’ve been staying late at work recently, do you think this is going to be a frequent thing?” or “What’s your thought on having to stay late at work lately? Does it seem feasible long term?”
Asking a clarifying question
You could say: ”Oh that’s interesting, why do you say that?” “Did something come up at work?
Here you’re giving an opportunity for them to let you know why they are going to be late without imposing judgment or blame.
Responding with an affirmation/what you want or need
You might say: “Oh no, well, I’m really looking forward to seeing you when you get home tonight! I have missed being with you this week, can we have a date soon?”
Sometimes when we are sad/hurt we resort to attempts to hurt others instead of expressing our own feelings. If I’m sad or angry about not getting to see someone, responding with “Okay. I’m really looking forward to seeing you, can we have a date soon?” communicates your feelings and what’s important to you without tearing the other person down.
Asking an open ended question
You could say: ”Oh no, what happened/changed?”
Open-ended questions are questions that can’t be answered with a yes or a no. These questions are curious in nature as they leave room for a reflective response from the other person and it helps you to begin understanding things from their point of view instead of your point of view.
So the next time you find yourself in the middle of tension, think back to how curiosity can transform relationships. You may be surprised how a little bit of curiosity can make all the difference.

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