Relationships are both a wonderful gift and a daily choice. I thought it would be fun to explore some of the myths about relationships based on some of the research and ideas from Gottman Method Couples Therapy. Join me in exploring five common myths about relationships below.
1. The biggest conflicts in relationships involve money, sex, and in-laws.
At the root of the biggest conflicts in relationships are actually failed bids for connection. So, what is a failed bid for connection? Let’s say, you initiate connection by inviting your spouse on a walk, and their response is, “Nah, I don’t really want to”. That is a rejection otherwise known as a failed bid for connection. However, had the spouse responded by saying “I would love to, but I’m really tired today, can we go for a walk tomorrow instead?”. You have an understanding as to why they said no. They said no because they were tired, not because they didn’t want to spend time with you. These misunderstandings are what often contribute to subtle assumptions that lead to us not feeling connected with our spouse. When we stop feeling connected, we often begin feeling resentful, distance, and misunderstood, which in turn makes us more prone to starting arguments.
2. If you have to work to communicate, the relationship is no good.
First off…I have yet to be in or see a relationship that has absolutely PERFECT communication. If you’re not putting in work with the relationship, what are you doing? All relationships require some amount of work and communication is at the top of that list.
3. A good relationship is when neither of us are “too needy”.
Often when people think of being needy, they are thinking of someone who is dependent on them to meet their needs. This form of “neediness” is unhealthy for relationships. However, relationships require meeting your own needs and meeting each other’s needs when it’s not at the expense of your safety/wellbeing. For example, if I’m constantly doing things for my spouse, but I’m neglecting to take care of myself, I am more likely to become resentful, disconnected from my true needs, and experience burnout. If I balance both my own needs and my spouse or my family’s needs, I’m more likely to feel connected and in-tune with the ebbs and flows that relationships bring. It’s okay to need help with the kids after work, extra hands bringing in the groceries, a few more hours of sleep on a weekend, or more time alone. That doesn’t mean you’re needy, it means you’d like help or support. Relationships are opportunities to help and support each other in becoming the best versions of ourselves.
4. Talking about issues and past hurts will make it worse.
I’ve often heard couples in the dating stages say, things like “but if I tell them, they will think I have too much baggage”. While it can be excruciatingly difficult to be vulnerable with others, it is better for couples to be transparent with each other than to live a life where they are only being somewhat truthful about who they are. It doesn’t mean you have to disclose everything on the first date, take your time. In marriages, developing trust and honesty through openness and communication provides an opportunity for connection if we use it as one. If you feel hesitant about being open with your spouse, ask yourself what is keeping you from sharing with them? This answer will probably point you to a deeper issue within the relationship. When we express ourselves, it externalizes internal feelings that we have. While you can’t change the past, talking about it is a way to build deeper connections with yourself and others.
5. “If we just had___________, our relationships would be better.”
Fill in the blank however you like! It’s easy to get stuck in this thinking, but if there’s one thing you can be sure of, adding to anything will be ADDING something. And if the foundation wasn’t solid before, it’s not going to be any better after having kids, moving, or any other change. There will be new stressors, new joys, new commitments, and the list goes on. So instead of experiencing your relationship in the form of “if only”, try focusing on creating a solid foundation built upon trust and commitment. These two characteristics of a relationship will serve the relationship better when adjustment/change does occur.
So of course, this is not an exhaustive list or the only viewpoint on relationship myths; however, I hope you enjoyed thinking through each of these and exploring them together on today’s blog! Feel free to keep the conversation going about some myths you have heard/seen/experienced about relationships in the comment section below!

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