Do you ever find yourself in the middle of a disagreement defending yourself because you feel like what you did was right and the way someone else experienced it/perceived it is wrong? If so, you’d be in the majority! However, being in the majority doesn’t necessarily indicate relational satisfaction in this situation.
I see a lot of couples and work with many individuals on a daily basis who experience this same struggle with black and white/right and wrong/fair vs. unfair thinking in their relationships. They have reached a point in their relationship that doesn’t make sense, and it’s created tension and confusion. This is very common in relationship because relationships often consist of various gray areas. My clients will often hear me say “it depends” and “both experiences are valid”, and while they logically understand what I’m saying, they often describe feeling a sense of dissatisfaction with that answer because it’s not yes or no.
Naturally, we as humans struggle with gray because most of us feel a sense of calm, peace, and security when we have concrete answers. It’s also harder to see or feel progress when there’s not a black and white, write or wrong answer to feelings and perspectives. However, I want to encourage you in today’s blog that you can have a committed, healthy, trusting, and fulfilling relationship that also has gray areas. Gray areas don’t have to be a source of confusion/discontentment.
One of the reasons I love working with couples and individuals regarding relationship concerns is because of the gray areas. Gray areas are unique to every person and relationship. Sure, it’s nice to have the foundational elements of core principals of what relationships need in order to remain healthy, but “healthy” looks different in every relationship.
To apply this in a general sense, most couples or individuals might tell me that they need to “work on their communication skills”. At a foundational/black and white level, I understand what they are struggling with. When I explore the relationship on a deeper level, I often uncover why communication is creating tension in the relationship (the gray areas). If I tried to apply the same logic to every couple or individual’s experiences, we’d eventually hit a roadblock because I would miss how their unique experiences have shaped their perspectives/feelings in the relationship. The gray areas give us the insight we need to better understand ourselves and the relationships we have with other people.
For example, one person might get offended when someone cuts them off on the road and another person might laugh. The person that was offended may have felt a threatened sense of safety, and the person that laughed may have found it humorous that someone would do that given the circumstances. Neither of these responses are right or wrong. What often happens in a relationship is that if someone responds differently than how we would, we feel a sense of disconnect. We may think, “why are they laughing at something so serious…that person could have wrecked the other car” or “why are they so offended by me laughing at that car, no one got hurt”.
When you begin to experience disconnect in your relationships, you have a choice. You can move further apart by defending yourself and sharing how the other person is wrong and you’re right OR you can extend curiosity to better understand yourself and your spouse/friend/etc. Option 2 fosters connection and option 1 (while it may feel justified) fosters disconnect. I’ll give two examples of how these options can play out below.
Option 2 Example Scenario:
Individual 1, (offended by the car cutting them off):
“Yikes! That made me nervous when they cut over like that without signaling. When people do that on the road, I get anxious. It seems so unpredictable sometimes.”
Individual 2, (the one that laughed): “That makes sense, I often laugh when people do that, but I can see why you would feel anxious. They were all over the place!”
Individual 1: “Yea, thanks for saying that. I wasn’t sure why you would laugh, but I know not everyone has had the same experiences as me.”
You can see how neither of them are discrediting or indicating one or the other person’s perception is right or wrong. They are simply sharing about their experience in a way that makes sense to them and giving space for understanding.
Option 1 Example Scenario:
Individual 1: “Why would you laugh at something like that? It’s clearly dangerous and that person could have killed someone!”
Individual 2: “Why are you always so nervous and scared when people cut other people off. People do this all the time, it’s just how they drive.”
You can see how there is a difference between exploring/being curious in relationships (Option 2) and interrogating/invalidating the other person’s experiences (Option 1). Being a curious observer in relationships is often challenging for us as humans because our brains are wired to prioritize threats.
In relationships, threats are often presented in the form of questions and/or verbal and non-verbal communication (body language, tone, etc.). We often judge threats based off of past experiences. The more people have questioned us and our choices, the more our brain is going to prioritize questioning as a threat vs. not a threat.
REFLECTION:
Take some time to think about areas in your relationship where you and your significant other don’t have the same perspective. Explore ways that you can be curious about your differences in effort to create understanding and connection. Remember: the next time you find yourself in the middle of a gray area, you don’t have to agree with someone in order to understand and connect with them.

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